Sajakkini

Did you know I read that if you don’t have sex for a year, you can actually become re-virginized? Charlotte York, Sex and The City

I was back in KT recently, and bought the May issue of Forum Perdana, solely for its very arresting headline: Pulih Dara Guna Chopsticks. Loosely translated, it meant that you could become a virgin again using chopsticks, and only Bomoh Cha had the gift to re-virginise you. According to the article, he practised traditional Islamic healing, and by using chopsticks, he would not have to touch his female patients. How he treated them was not explained, my theory was that all he could do was poke a woman’s nether regions, but he did advertise his cell-phone number, which I’ll furnish at the end of this article, so you can call him and ask.

I had to buy it. I thought to myself, on how virginity is still prized in this modern world, despite the fact that it is no longer such a precious commodity to many. And in this age of STDS, HIV/AIDs, virginity and loyalty do not protect you from harm.

DINA ZAMAN was nominated by her parents to educate her two younger sisters when they reached puberty. Her attempts at being hip and smart traumatised them. She can’t wait to have her own kids, so she can gross them out. She is not allowed to advertise Bomoh Cha’s number as malaysiakini does not endorse bomoh services. She can be contacted at dina@malaysiakini.com.

I don’t have the statistics for deflowered and unmarried young Muslims in other countries, and neither do I have the numbers for the said group in Malaysia, but these days, it’s getting harder to find virgins. If the loss of virginity at a young age was an urban phenomenon, it is now fast becoming the norm via pre-marital sex, coerced sex, incest and rape.

Perhaps among young and unmarried Muslim women, virginity and celibacy are expected; for a young virile man, there must be something wrong with him then. He is either homosexual, tied to his mother’s titties as they say or impotent. Social expectations are high, to prove that you are a man. Even among female virgins, the age factor plays a role in perception: you’re 38 and you’re not married? How you tahan? Why are you so fussy? You must masturbate then, there’s no two ways about it.

There must be something wrong with you.

So when young Malaysia decides to screw it, figuratively and literally, the Government and the Opposition go to town, parents scream and create Greek tragedies, everyone blames the West and the lack of Godly presence in the young’s lives. While finger-pointing and gossip swirl, kids have to contend with confidence issues, unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and a whole lot of confusion. It sure is tough to be a Muslim kid in the 21st century. Dah lah kena dapat straight As, if not sure kenot get scholarship somemore and become PM, must restrain the self. Hoo-boy.

Sex 101

How does one approach a sensitive matter such as sex to the young and not create a generation of randy rabbits?

Whatever you do, don’t do what my mother did to me when I was 13. When I reached puberty, I was handed a box of Sanita (this was the days before sanitary napkins had wings, were thin and comfortable. It was like walking with a sofa between your thighs) and told to perform ghusl – mandatory bath – after my period ended and when a man appeared in my dreams.

What my mother forgot to tell me was that the dreams had to be sexual in nature, so for the next few years, each time a man cycled/walked/sat/talked to me in my dreams, I’d wake up and dash for a shower. A kindly dorm-mate that asked me why I did so in the middle of the night, finally put an end to my midnight shower misery, though she had a good time laughing at my expense.

Is Islam against sex education?

No.

The Quran talks about sex very clearly, but procreation is to be enjoyed within the boundaries of a lawful marriage.

Your wives are a tilth for you, so go to your tilth, when or how you will, and send (good deeds, or ask Allah to bestow upon you pious offspring) for your ownselves beforehand. And fear Allah, and know tha you are to meet Him and give good tidings to the believers, o Muhammad (pbuh) – Al Baqarah, Verse 223.

Was he not a Nutfahn (mixed male and female sexual discharge) or semen emitted?

Then he became an ‘Alaqah (a clot); then Allah shaped and fashioned in due proportion.

And made of him two sexes, male and female. – AlQiyamah, Verses 37 – 39.

The above examples are a selection of the many verses that are described throughout the book.

Hence the question: if the Good Book is blatant about (legal) sex, why are Muslim parents and society (or Asian parents for the matter) so squeamish about talking about sex to their children?

Imam an-Nawawi, in the book al-Majmi stated that Imam Al-Syafie strongly believed that parents were responsible for educating their children about sex. After all, they brought forth their spawn, so they better have some clue as to how to tell their offspring how they came about. Telling them that they came out of their mothers’ mouths would only gross kids out.

Guideline

To take the sting and embarrassment out of parents’ hands, and realising that we have a social phenomenon that may escalate out of control, the Women, Family and Community Development Ministry drafted a guideline on sex education in the country, which was heralded in the local dailies in April 2005.

The guidelines will target children from different age groups and aims to discuss six concepts: human development, relationships, family and marriage, interpersonal skills, health and behaviour, and society and culture. Contraception will be explained to those between the ages of 13 and 19, while abortion will be elaborated in a general context, for example. Looking at the draft guideline, it all looks sound and reasonable, so it’s a matter of wait-and-see.

The guideline is awaiting approval from the Cabinet.

(A slight digression here: I wonder how this will apply to same sex residential schools. You’re already segregated, not only from the opposite sex but also the rest of the world. And we all know how our local schools are like. Ribaldry or silence will be the mainstay of such sessions should they take place. And what with these college sister/jambu/to-eng/pet brother(sister) rites of passage that almost every sekolah asrama kid has to go through, you wonder. Now I’m not saying this situation promotes homosexuality, but there have been very funny goings-on.

I should know: I was booted to a sekolah asrama to find out more about my Malay roots and spent the next three years morbidly fascinated by this pet sister thing. When I was a geek there, Friday and Saturday nights were date nights with the senior girls taking a favourite junior for a walk around this square in front of the dining hall. Tawaf lah satu malam or until the bell rang for bedtime. I was never part of this movement. My equally geeky friends and I always frightened each other silly about lesbian romps that so and so heard that happened in the Art Room. These were not as bad as the tampon and test tube urban legends. I’ll tell you about that another time. [But if you really want to hear really salacious stories, go ask a Koleq boy, ha ha ha]).

Dr. Harlina Halizah, a lecturer and gynaecological specialist with HUKM and also the Director of Women’s Affairs with the Jamaah Islah Malaysia (JIM), agrees that sex education is needed even more so with 21st century challenges. As a medical practitioner, she has dealt with many cases dealing with unwanted pregnancies and promiscuity, and one jarring fact that she notes is that most of the young women have “… dysfunctional relationships with their fathers. Fathers have a responsibility to demonstrate appreciation of their daughters’ talents and beauty, and to teach them the values of their bodies (virginities).”

“This does not mean a father should drool over his daughter, but he has to instil confidence in her; that she need not depend on a man’s presence and admiration for her for her sense of self. Yes, crushes and falling in love are part of being young, but if a young woman is sure of her self and has the support of both her parents, she will know what and where her boundaries are.”

Islam recognises sexual urge and regulates it through marriage, she said, and Islam forbids adultery as well as celibacy. There are four main stages to teach youngsters:

1. the Age of Discernment whereby seven to 10 year olds are taught modesty and etiquette of entering parents’ room, for example
2. 10 to 14 year olds are taught about puberty changes, the anatomy of the genitalia, menstruation (for girls), erection and ejaculation (boys) and ghusl – compulsory bath following wet dreams and menses as well as sensitising children of dangers and harmful consequences of sexual promiscuity
3. adolescence from ages 14 to 16 are informed of sexual intercourse and its consequences (pregnancies, responsibility, sexually transmitted diseases and etc); why sex is to be performed within marriage and the comprehension of masturbation, adultery, homosexuality and sexual violence and lastly
4. young adults from ages 16 up are taught about the benefits of marriage, spouse selection, rules of engagement and encouragement for marriage,”

she elaborated. Parents too are taught to convey information and teach their children.

In fact, she says, matched and early marriages are to be encouraged.

Much as I respect her opinions, I find the solution a tad too simplistic for me. Matched marriages do not necessarily mean matrimonial happiness and at the age of 18 or 22, what on earth would a kid know about life and marriage? He or she has to get a job to survive, and is probably too green to realise that love takes a lot of work to bloom and survive. And if you’re unlucky, as in your jodoh has not come yet, what the hell do you do? Invest in inflatable dolls and vibrators?

Lastly: where do you put people like the tudung lesbians I interviewed a few articles back? They’re gay but otherwise they’re observant Muslims. How do you ‘counsel’ them?

“I’m a product of a matched marriage and Alhamdullilah it has worked well,” she smiled.

You’re very lucky, Dr. Harlina, because not everyone is as lucky as you, I smiled back.

With this ring I pledge my virginity

In the West, abstinence programmes such as the Silver Ring Thing are gaining ground among the conservatives and the Bush administration. About a third of US secondary schools have abstinence programmes and nearly 3 million young Americans have publicly pledged to remain virgins until they marry. (New Scientist.com, 5 March 2005)

The New York Times on April 14, 2005 reported that Pope John Paul II had left behind a generation of committed young Roman Catholics that are focussed on preserving a more conservative ’sexual ethic that includes opposition to contraception, abortion, premarital sex and some forms of assisted reproduction.’ This generation of hardliners are ‘already shaping the church in a more conservative mould than did their parents.’ The article also stated that the trend was not limited to Catholic youth, for American leaders of other faiths such as Judaism and Islam, have noticed ‘a renewed interest in traditional religious practices among young people that are engaged in their religion.’

The question is: do these programmes actually work? How does one market virginity as hip? Jessica Simpson and Britney Spears simpering on stage may speak to a poodle-haired youth, and Katie Holmes, who’s now dating uber-short star, Tom Cruise, is also a proponent of abstinence before marriage. Do Hollywood stars really help kids to say no to sex?

Research by the Alan Guttmacher Institute US suggested that teenage pregnancy rates in the US have been on the decline since 1991; 25% of the decline in sexual activity was due to more teenagers remaining abstinent while 75% was due to improved contraceptive use amongst the sexually active teenagers. In fact, abstinence programmes are under fire by many health practitioners in the UK. As reported by the BBC Online on 11 November 2004, ‘… abstinence until marriage might suit certain groups, but that it was not a realistic policy for society as a whole.’

The abstinence campaigns has its supporters and detractors in the West. Now, can sex education and abstinence campaigns work in Malaysia? Yes, we are Muslims, our religion forbids premarital sex, adultery and celibacy, hence these campaigns will work. But how many of us practice the tenets of our faith? How many parents have the time, patience and personalities to educate their children about sex? It may work in urban areas, but you try doing that in a village, and you’ll have the place in an uproar.

Another question that begs to be answered: a young Muslim teenager remains a virgin until marriage. How sure is he or she that their future spouses have not engaged in premarital sex; even more importantly, safer sex?

You listen to Auntie Dina okay on this one: in front of your parents, it’s I am Virgin Amin Superstar. Once you get married, huh, it’s Mr Amin Porn Star! As an embattled vet of the domestic landscape, I can say this: you will never know who your partner is until you marry him or her. I wish you luck, kiddo.

Endnote

Parents, Muslim or not, have a tremendous responsibility to educate their children about sex. How much can a school teach, and will it be effective?

Parents must also be open to discussion. There needs to be trust between them and their offspring in all matters. Kids need and demand security from their parents; that their mistakes will not burn any parental bridge, and they’ll be forgiven and accepted.

One of the best ways a parent can inform the children is using humour. The fire and brimstone act won’t work these days. Honesty is another sure-fire way to get your kids to listen, and don’t be preachy. Parents have to be well-informed too. And one of the best examples adults can show children is to be moral themselves. How do you expect the young to listen when adults are guilty of same, if not worse, crimes?

If the West has Jessica Simpson, then let’s use our celebs then in our drive to promote abstinence. Nominations for celibate celebs can be e-mailed to me. Ahem.

If all fails, there’s Bomoh Cha and his magical chopsticks…