The closer you get to God
I have four stories for you.
I.
She was heartbroken. As she wailed her grief out loud, a long teardrop of her saliva dangled from her mouth before it snapped and dropped to the floor.
I have prayed, begged, asked from God, that after this, He would give me peace. A happier life. Is it too much to ask for? I do not ask for wealth. I do not ask for the worldly. I just want happiness. Why do the wrong, the bad have everything?
Her mother held her and said, keep on praying. Keep on praying. To lose hope would mean to lose faith in God. Have patience. He will grant you what you want. What you desire.
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Oh don’t say that! God loves you, that’s why he tests you. He is cleansing you. Turn to him. Embrace Him.
“I cannot hold God.”
II.
She was known as The Catwoman. She had over 40 cats at one point, before they died, ran off, were kidnapped and thrown away by unscrupulous neighbours. Now she had about 20. The ones that kept by her side were an asthmatic cat that sniffed, groaned and flopped to the floor when it was tired; a grey half Persian whose name meant happiness, and delighted in rubs from strangers, and kittens that looked to her for comfort.
If her time was not spent on her family, and with the cats, she would be on the prayer mat or on her bed, smoking and reciting supplications. During moments like this, she would think about her life and her lost beauty.
“I have done everything to keep the family together. I turn to God all the time. I come from a religious family you know? We’re not just anyone. I was taught that whatever problems you had, you prayed. Why am I still suffering? At this age, I should not worry about anything, but worries I have.”
“The more I turn to God, the more I am tested.”
“But I accept. I am ready to meet Him. There is nothing on this world that keeps me here. I pray all the time to die, because maybe in that world, I will have peace.”
III.
I heard this story over the holidays.
He was the regular boy from Bangsar. Well-heeled, charming and had bedded enough women. He lived for the flesh and the beauty of women.
One day, he was invited to attend a class on Sufism, my friend told me. For all his promiscuity and vapid lifestyle, he was intelligent. Always seeking for answers.
At this class, he found his answers. Why there was only one God. Why we prayed the way we did.
“He was full of theory, but not of adab. He did not practise.”
One day something bad happened to him, and his heart opened to the idea of praying. He went back to his kampung and prayed in a surau and wept there, begging for forgiveness. Forgive me God for my sins, he asked repeatedly.
A man came up to him and asked him why he cried.
Come back to my house, I will help you heal, the stranger said.
“Sometimes it’s better to talk to strangers you know?” my friend said.
So Bangsar Boy followed him and was told to pray.
The stranger then grabbed him from behind and molested him.
He went crazy after that.
When they last met, in one of his flashes of lucidity, he asked my friend:
I turned to God, I repented, I wanted to get closer to him and I almost got buggered. Where was God?
“Completely cuckoo now. Got to be locked up and all that you know?” my friend tapped her hijab-ed head.
Pity him, I said.
“Maybe it’s best for him. The mad do not have sins.”
IV.
Yahoo Messenger chat between two good friends.
frenchwoman: is it contradictory to pray for something and yet have little faith that it will happen? like a new job etc
Jediwarrior: no
frenchwoman: they say Ask and God will give
Jediwarrior: but faith helps
frenchwoman: but what happens if it does not come true?
Jediwarrior: then it’s because God knows best
Jediwarrior: as in, what we asked for is not good for us
frenchwoman: but my mum said, she asked one ustaz
frenchwoman: we can change our fate
frenchwoman: we just doa so things change
Jediwarrior: of course you can
Jediwarrior: mmg bleh change our fate
frenchwoman: how did i be come such a bitter, jaded cynic?
Jediwarrior: sbb Allah takkan ubah nasib kita, if we don’t try to (if we don’t try, God won’t help)
Jediwarrior: men.
frenchwoman: not really also
frenchwoman: maybe life too
V.
I have one more story for you. Actually I have more, but I have a word-limit.
“When I decided that I wanted to have a good, fulfilling life, let me tell you this. My life went to pieces! Suddenly my old friends that I thought were friends showed their true colours. My work also fell apart. Everything!”
“I was upset. This was a lifetime of friendship and work we’re talking about. Ye lah, tak de kawan, duk atas sejadah lah (I had no friends, so I prayed). Why? Why?”
“And I realised this: the closer I get to God, the more He’ll reveal hypocrisy to me. And now, the friends I have now are true friends. I have less money, but my life is full. What God gives, God takes, but in this case it’s for the better. he closer you get to God, the more you are tested. But you will see the goodness. You will see the truth.”
“Thing is: the closer you get to God, you have more sadness.”
VI.
P.S.
Don’t sigh. They say you shorten your life with each sigh.
One day God gathered all the souls that He had created on a great plain.
Then He showed everyone the World and all its riches. Nine out of every ten souls ran towards the vision.
Then He showed the remaining ones a vision of Paradise and its pleasures.
Nine out of every ten remaining souls ran towards the vision.
Then He showed a vision of the Fires of Hell.
Nine out of every ten remaining souls ran screaming away, abandoning the plain as the others had done.
Then He showed the remaining ones the trials and tribulations of life, the agony and pain of living.
Almost all the remaining souls abandoned the plain.
Then He looked at the few that remained, steadfast in their stance.
“IDIOT SOULS - what is it that you desire?”
“We desire only that we remain by Your Side, at all times,” The bravest replied.
“Know then that the Path to Me is fraught with the enticements of the World and of Paradise and that the horrors of Hell and the tribulations of Life would yet keep you away from My Side.”
- an old Sufi story
Comment by cashy7377 — June 23, 2005 @ 2:49 pm
I was brought up by my christian aunt, and though she never forced me into christianity it was always a happy atmosphere when raya or christmas was round the corner..I grew up not knowing Islam (only what i learned in school) and i was confused, so I never prayed, both my parents never thought me how (or instilled that I needed to) so i spend my days like any other clueless teenager; partying too much. My parents were divorced and I was often blamed for it, not pretty or smart to begin with, I blamed God. Jumping from one home to another, each side (mom and dads) would have something to say and they’ll drill into my brain just to make me miserable than I already was with accusations after accusations. The amount of “If only’s..” that I muttered over the years only brought on sadness, loneliness and confusion. I never wanted anything more but to die. But in retrospect, i had tons of friends. Well, if you can call partying buddies friends, that is. Then something happened. My beloved aunt who took care of me so lovingly after my family broke apart, fell ill and eventually died. I was so lost, more than I’ve ever been. Then I remembered that I had a ‘Mari Belajar Sembahyang’ book stashed somewhere in my room, and I started to pray (when she was first diagnosed with cancer)..it was tough, trying to understand the doa’s, bacaan, turutan, at times I had to do it step by step, with the book spread open before me with tears in my eyes because i’d sometimes forget what was the bacaan during ruku’ or at the tahiyat akhir. But Alhamdulillah, I managed to get it after all.
She passed away anyways, despite of my non-stop doa’s to lenghten her stay here on earth. A selfish thing to do, yes. But i was too scared to lose a mother and a father all at once. She was my entire world. Just as I was still in mourning, desperately trying to pick up my life, my younger brother passed away in his sleep. He was suffering from Polio since birth and would fall ill every other month until his body could not take it anymore.
Ya Allah..Maha Besar Dugaanmu. I cried until I had no more tears. I slept only when my body could no longer hold up. And during this troubled and traumatic ordeal, i questioned His actions. Why? Why torment me after having such a horrible childhood, the family fights and ‘perebutan harta’ amongst greedy family members, 2 deaths just 3 months from each other, I was ready to throw in the towel. To go back to being the bad girl, drown my sorrows in alcohol and give up.Just wait for death to find me.
But Maha Suci Allah, I found strenght I never thought i had. I prayed and ask for strenght, to ask for forgiveness and just peace in my soul. That I could let go of the dead, so that I can at long last LIVE. A proper life, a life of ‘kesederhanaan’. Something that I thought was unlikely for someone with my history. And Alhamdulillah, I have seen a glimpse of it, and yes…it brings me peace. Im more at peace with myself now. I do not turn to my past life and I ‘jaga’ my halal and harams..(Insya-Allah)..Although I have not yet worn a hijab, nor can i fully recite the Quran and its meanings, I am still learning. And happy to do it.
But yes, I lost so many of my ‘friends’. So many people think I’ve gone weird. When i mention i would one day wear a hijab people cringe and ask “Whyyy???”. It was terribly lonely at first and I asked one of my friends if she felt the way I did when she decided to turn to Islam and leave her past behind, She said “Yes, once you decide to embrace Islam, its teachings, its way of life..You’ll have less and less friends, and yes it will be hard but know that those are not your real friends,the real friends are those who remind you to solat and talk about Islam and share knowledge and stories about the prophets.”
How true. Though my friday and saturday nights are uneventful and mundane, I am at peace. At least my soul is…and I’m happy.
Finally, I’m home.
Comment by illuminuz — October 13, 2005 @ 3:53 am
I was brought up by my christian aunt, and though she never forced me into christianity it was always a happy atmosphere when raya or christmas was round the corner, and she made sure I puasa during ramadhan..I grew up not knowing Islam (only what i learned in school) and i was confused, so I never prayed, both my parents never thought me how (or instilled that I needed to) so i spend my days like any other clueless teenager; partying too much. My parents were divorced and I was often blamed for it, not pretty or smart to begin with, I blamed God. Jumping from one home to another, each side (mom and dads) would have something to say and they’ll drill into my brain just to make me miserable than I already was with accusations after accusations. The amount of “If only’s..” that I muttered over the years only brought on sadness, loneliness and confusion. I never wanted anything more but to die. But in retrospect, i had tons of friends. Well, if you can call partying buddies friends, that is. Then something happened. My beloved aunt who took care of me so lovingly after my family broke apart, fell ill and eventually died. I was so lost, more than I’ve ever been. Then I remembered that I had a ‘Mari Belajar Sembahyang’ book stashed somewhere in my room, and I started to pray (when she was first diagnosed with cancer)..it was tough, trying to understand the doa’s, bacaan, turutan, at times I had to do it step by step, with the book spread open before me with tears in my eyes because i’d sometimes forget what was the bacaan during ruku’ or at the tahiyat akhir. But Alhamdulillah, I managed to get it after all.
She passed away anyways; despite of my non-stop doa’s to lenghten her stay here on earth. A selfish thing to do, yes. But i was too scared to lose a mother and a father all at once. She was my entire world. Just as I was still in mourning, desperately trying to pick up my life, my younger brother passed away in his sleep. He was suffering from Polio since birth and would fall ill every other month until his body could not take it anymore.
Ya Allah..Maha Besar Dugaanmu. I cried until I had no more tears. I slept only when my body could no longer hold up. And during this troubled and traumatic ordeal, i questioned His actions. Why? Why torment me after having such a horrible childhood, the family fights and ‘perebutan harta’ amongst greedy family members, 2 deaths just 3 months from each other, I was ready to throw in the towel. To go back to being the bad girl, drown my sorrows in alcohol and give up.Just wait for death to find me.
But Maha Suci Allah, I found strenght I never thought i had. I prayed and ask for strenght, to ask for forgiveness and just peace in my soul. That I could let go of the dead, so that I can at long last LIVE. A proper life, a life of ‘kesederhanaan’. Something that I thought was unlikely for someone with my history. And Alhamdulillah, I have seen a glimpse of it, and yes…it brings me peace. Im more at peace with myself now. I do not turn to my past life and I ‘jaga’ my halal and harams..(Insya-Allah)..Although I have not yet worn a hijab, nor can i fully recite the Quran and its meanings, I am still learning. And happy to do it.
But yes, I lost so many of my ‘friends’. So many people think I’ve gone weird. When i mention i would one day wear a hijab people cringe and ask “Whyyy???”. It was terribly lonely at first and I asked one of my friends if she felt the way I did when she decided to turn to Islam and leave her past behind, She said “Yes, once you decide to embrace Islam, its teachings, its way of life..You’ll have less and less friends, and yes it will be hard but know that those are not your real friends,the real friends are those who remind you to solat and talk about Islam and share knowledge and stories about the prophets.”
How true. Though my friday and saturday nights are uneventful and mundane, I am at peace. At least my soul is…and I’m happy.
Finally, I’m home.
-
Comment by illuminuz — October 13, 2005 @ 3:59 am