May the text watch over you
Sometimes when I’m driving God speaks to me.
No, I’m not talking about hearing voices in my head. What do you think I am, crazy? Besides, God knows me better than that. So when He speaks to me, He writes it down, naturally.
Just the other day, for instance, I was on another one of those 1-ringgit highways (I love the way they price our roads like little budget shops, it’s so cute I almost want to get down everytime and hug the toll-booth. Or the troll in the booth, if you prefer that sort of thing). You know, driving, just minding my own business and entertaining the thought of tailgating the usual Kancil driving at 40 in the 90kph lane, when - bam - God tells me to be courteous.
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Actually, I think the exact words He used were, “Bersopan-santunlah di jalanraya untuk keselamatan bersama.”*
Whoa.
Divine revelations
My friends tell me that there’s actually a guy sitting in an upright coffin somewhere who types out these words of wisdom on a keyboard, which is then relayed via the miracle of science to a display hanging over the road. That certainly gives reason for pause; it makes you wonder what that person’s motivation would be, that would make him want to churn out these pearls
day after day. Imagine having that as your day job.
I mean, how does he come out with these sayings? Does he simply bash out whatever comes into his head (unlikely - they seem to be crafted in some way), or is he the type who takes pride in his work and therefore ruminates on life on a daily basis before writing a carefully-considered phrase for the delectation of the speeding masses (highly unlikely)?
And what does he do in his little coffin thingy when he’s not writing these things, anyway? Organising his pencils and staples, I’d imagine, which was all I did the last time I had a desk job.
Well, whatever his method, he must be a pretty shallow guy, this man, because he seems to be so annoyingly literal. “The sign is placed above the road therefore I must send them messages about safety and courtesy on the roads.” Booooring. Send us something humorous or profound, or funny AND profound, like a quote from Monty Python or something. I bet that would really perk us up and pay attention to what we’re doing.
Who is The Text?
So yeah, I can see why some people can be misled into thinking that the Text is the work of a bored individual. Not that I don’t want to believe them, but unless the said guy is a mind reader, I don’t see how the Text could know whatever it is I happen to be doing in my car.
Like the time when I was in a 60-kph zone and hitting pedal to the metal, for example, and the Text said, “Your speed is 85 kph. Please slow down.” I mean, what the hey. How would any mortal know something like that? It’s not like I’m living in, oh what’s that movie that’s got gummy-face in it, the one about a man
born and raised in a reality show without him knowing anything about it.
Or another time when I was running late and the Text helpfully provided a suggestion for me to use an alternative route, which it guaranteed would save me a lot of time. “Hanya 5 minit ke Lebuhraya Persekutuan melalui Lebuhraya XX”. Now how would Upright-Coffin Guy know that I was rushing, for him to respond in such a specific manner?
I don’t have to tell you that when I first encountered this… gift… a few months ago (in Terengganu, of all places, where the Text is static but booms out like a voice from Heaven nevertheless), it sort of left me shaken a bit. Everyone wants to believe that they are special in this world and that they are God’s favourite, but I’m probably the only one who knows exactly how I’m special. It’s scary, but also quite a relief at the same time.
I’m not sure about you non-Malays, but being a Malay my genes are wired such that I absolutely need to have the obvious whacked over my head like a cold slab of tuna everytime.
The Malay dilemma
This is why when Malays see a mouse crossing the road, for instance, we’d all go, “Oh look, there’s a mouse crossing the road!” and that would be enough to occupy our conversation for a good few minutes (like, what kind of mouse it is, or why it’s crossing the road, and how many babies it’s got, or worrying if it was going to get run down by a heartless 18-wheeler).
It doesn’t take much to occupy our little minds. And that, if you must know, is the real reason why the British managed to conquer us for so long. All Birch had to do was say “Oh look, there’s a monkey on that tree” everytime the Malays ganged up on him and then everyone would be too busy searching for the non-existent monkey to notice him slipping away. Unfortunately for Birch, there wasn’t anything mundane happening in the river where he was bathing that tragic day (tragic for him, anyway), which was how he got caught out.
In fact, the annoying trait of stating the obvious seems to go all the way back through Malay history. The legend of Mak Sang Kelembai, a witch who’d turn everything she tegur (points out) into stone, was probably concocted as a cautionary tale by someone who’d had enough with people around him/her pointing out the obvious every time.
Yes, you’d be amazed at how riveting the typical Malay in-car family chats can be on long journeys. And trust me, I’m quite an expert when it comes to such things, because when I was a young ‘un my parents would haul my sis and I off to my other gran’s house in Penang every school holiday.
In those days it used to take anything up to 10 hours to drive from Kuala Lipis to Sungai Bakap. And the Text did not yet speak to me in those days. So I’d spend most of the time on the road with my head hanging out the left rear window like a sick dog because my dad was always pissed whenever I vomited on the carpet. Which happened to be quite often since I got car-sick very easily in those days.
Well, I’d love to stay and gab some more but I have to be at an event at 7 in the morning. That is indeed regrettable, but at least I’ll be passing by two places where I’ve always been visited by the Text, so I can’t wait to see what It has to say to me today.
* “Bersopan-santunlah di jalanraya untuk keselamatan bersama.” - Be considerate on the highway for your safety.
