Life begins at 40, oops, 38
There’s this peculiar belief among Malay men and women that a man’s 38th birthday is his religious crossroad. A lothario reaches that particular birthday. He has two years to think of what or who he wants to be before he hits the big Four O. The two years are crucial as they are his markers: will he turn pious or not? If once he reaches 40 and is still a major slut, there’s no hope of redemption for him. Or so they say.
Zain Hafsham is 32. According to him, he has six more years before he goes ‘bananas’ and becomes the God fearing Malay-Muslim everyone wants him to be. In the meantime, he cycles fanatically, dates as if women are going to be extinct tomorrow and enjoys his wine like the connoisseur that he wants to be. Hope is not lost though – what he’s looking for now is true love. Real love. Once he has that and reaches 38, he can die a happy man.
But why 38? Why not now, so he has a few extra years of piety? He’ll then have more credit with God. He could die on one of his cycling jaunts tomorrow and what then?
Ramadhan has come and gone, and Eid Fitri was spent in a drunken haze, as he and friends celebrated the end of a month of abstinence. They had been sorely tested, appetite-wise and are now hungry for life to begin.
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What’s the big deal?
There’s a slight air of resentment when I ask him about his religiosity. As far as he is concerned, his parents became more religious as they got older, hence he isn’t an exception. In fact, he plans to raise the age barrier as he finds it hard to give up his current lifestyle.
“I believe Islam is a way of life, not just praying five times a day. It is a disciplined way of life and continuous learning about the ways of the religion. I believe you have to be ready to change your thinking and outlook. All these are a full time job. I can’t do it with one foot in it and the other somewhere else.
“It has nothing to do with having the last hurrah or having enough of the world as this is not a phase, it’s a way of life. So to change my way of life, I need to do a thorough internal/spiritual spring cleaning. When I am ready to do a complete changeover, I’ll be best equipped to resist the temptations out there.
“I feel when interpreted correctly, it is a progressive religion. I think you will never run out of things to learn. You learn about Islam until the day you die even if you start early. I think Islam is not easy to grasp and therefore have been misinterpreted and miscommunicated by many. I think it has gotten a bad rep.
“I have faith in God, that’s for sure. I can’t see it from a race or gender angle. Sure religion is very much intertwined with the Malay culture but it has a minimal influence in my life. It’s more the special occasions like Hari Raya prayers, kenduri arwah,” he explains.
To be young and Muslim in Malaysia, especially in a big, bad city like Kuala Lumpur is an eternal quest for a place in heaven, and entrance to hedonistic lifestyles – club openings, launches, parties – offered by the city. For most young professionals, they’ll all repent once they get married or have seen the light. They do not want to be pushed into practising Islam. Even the pious professionals do not enjoy force employed onto their lives – they will practise Islam the way they see fit, thank you very much.
It can be confusing.
Pass me an aspirin
As Zain reiterates, “I think our generation is pretty bewildered because we are caught in a transition. The men of my generation are confused. We are constantly trying to find which ground to stand on. I think many feel disillusioned and therefore insecure about themselves and their roles in society. The conditions at work have changed.
“It is much more competitive across the whole spectrum of competition from peers, colleagues, competing companies, women, younger men at the work place. And yet social expectations of men as the ultimate bread winner have not changed. This adds a lot of strain. They are expected to be strong and go-getters at work and a lover at home. Many don’t get the respect from the partners the way their fathers had enjoyed.
“Women are as educated and just as exposed to the real world. It is not easy for the women to respect the men. As you know, respect is something you earn, not a right. The bar for this has moved up a few notches. A lot of them at one point or the other have this thought crossing their minds, ‘All this for sex?’
“Men have become fussier and much more selective with their partners because of these multiple roles they have to play. The old mindset of having a partner sticking with them through thick and thin, no longer exists. I see many relationships strained because the men are not bringing home enough money. They question why they have to contribute as much as 50 percent to the family expenditure. This is the reality.
“Women themselves have changed. They are more aware of their needs and desires. And these are as substantial as the men. They too have become fussier choosing their partners as to avoid future failures.
“Women are caught in this transition too. On one hand they see themselves as a capable and independent individual and the other hand they want a partner to lead and take the responsibilities, someone they can look up to. In reality, women are just as good and capable as men, so to want someone better then them, well there not that many men like that around! Many men do not help this situation because they want their women to play the old role even though these women are their equals.”
So the whole schmaltz about being a dutiful Muslim spouse is just a myth then, with both genders confused about their roles and responsibilities?
Women 0, Men 0
He laughs. “I think we’re in a fine mess. It is equally difficult for both parties. Only the lucky ones come out of it unscathed. Perhaps it is my upbringing or exposure but I see the opposite sex as my equal. But at the same time, I know that women are different. In the past, I tend to only see them as equals. I learned through experience that seeing them as different and individuals is equally important. Both genders have their quirks and idiosyncrasies.
“Don’t get me wrong. I have faith in God and the religion. But I guess it is pretty weak. I do not know if I was in London I’d find myself going to the mosque on Friday afternoons. But if death flashes before me, the first thing I’d think of is God almighty.”
Have you ever sat down to think about who you truly are, as a man?
“No I haven’t thought of my real self. It is not easy to do. How do I do that in a right way? Maybe I should. I don’t see any real benefits of knowing my real self. Is it a moving target as I evolve and change? I don’t think I can do it by myself as you see people as you want to see them. What good does it do to me if I try to get to know my real self? Or would I be worse off with insecurities and self doubts?”
What kind of Muslim are you then?
“For now, a non-practicing Muslim. That doesn’t make me bad, does it?”
